The camera is positioned at the foot of our bed. Lucy is lying on her back with her bottom towards the camera. Her knees are bent, her legs are crossed, her left foot is dangling in the air, and except for a tiny ribbon covered by her white thong, her bottom-half goodies are entirely on display. She has half a Dilmote in her pussy, with the other half sticking out from the left side of her thong. On top, she is wearing a white babydoll lingerie to match her thong and white nail polish. She is checking her SnapChat above her face. Occasionally she holds her phone below her ass to take a photo of the Dilmote, the thong and her thinly masked cunt. I am assuming she is taking photos and sending them to her fans. I am wearing black boxer shorts, and am lying on my left side facing the camera. I am looking at my phone because I am reeling on instagram and can't stop.

We have been streaming on Cum'n Chat for an hour and seem to have gathered 273 viewers in our room, but nothing has been happening. I reckon most of the viewers are bots, and the rest are penniless folks, who are there to watch us having sex at other people's expense. But that's ok because we are not on the platform for money. The trouble is no one is talking to us and that is why we are not doing what we came here to do. Normally people who do not tip do not engage in conversations. I have no idea why, but it may be because they feel obliged to contribute if we read their messages and respond to them. I may be wrong though. All I know is that they don't engage in conversations as much as those who tip. And so far, no one has been talking to us or answering our questions, which is why we are not sure those watching are humans or bots. So, we are just hanging around until someone says something or tips so we know we are in business.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the platform, Cum'n Chat is a platform, where performers stream sexual content, and viewers view and tip the performers. Like other social media platforms, Cum'n Chat has interactive tools like following, liking, rating, reporting, emojis, and all the rest of it. In addition, the platform has an option to make things physically interactive by allowing presenters to connect a remote dildo, called Dilmote, to the system so it vibrates when viewers tip. The higher their tips, the more intense the vibrations. It's a funny place, Cum'n Chat. It is a smaller virtual sample of the real world. Performers come from all walks of life; some are real couples like Lucy and I, some are professional porn stars, some are current or ex-sex workers who have discovered the platform and are excited to earn a living from the safety of their homes, and some are perverts or simply looking for some excitement. All these people get on the platform and compete with each other over viewers. Their ideal is to have loyal viewers and fans, because that means their fans are notified and are hence more likely to log on to watch and tip them. But like in real life, the distribution of chance is not equitable on Cum'n Chat. It seems that prettier people invariably have more followers. So, from the start, some people are ahead of others in the game. Some less attractive people manage to counter this inequality by engaging in exotic activities like getting an elaborate fuck machine, or forcing themselves to squirt after a certain amount of tips, or just staying online and waiting for the pretty ones to go to bed and then fish in the pond. But the problem is that the same possibilities are available to the more attractive people, and they never fail to take advantage of such opportunities. I have seen top models on the platform streaming for 12 straight hours. How do I know this? They announced it in their streams.

But as I said, Lucy and I are not here for the money. We had the idea as a solution to our problem of late. A couple of years through our marriage, I started loosing interest in our sexual relationship. I still loved her, and found her sexy, but was not sexually as passionate as I was when we first met. In the beginning, I could worship her for an entire weekend, or even a week if I had time. But now I need a reason to be excited. Our sex is not automatic or natural; it feels effortful and planned. She did not feel the same though. Or maybe she did, but did not show it. When I first started to feel my sexual fever was diminishing, I started to panic. I began questioning our relationship, my love for her, and whether I had made the right choice marrying her. This would often get to a point that I would go online and watch other people have sex to see how having sex looks like among couples, and whether I would be turned on by watching them. This is how I came across Cum'n Chat, which marked the beginning of our emotional roller coaster.

My findings on Cum'n Chat were consistently worrisome. First of all, most couples on the platform seemed extremely passionate towards each other, even though, based on their bio, they had been together for a few years. My second worrisome discovery was that I was invariably turned on by watching them have sex on my screen, which would make me doubt my relationship even further. I did not discuss this with Lucy immediately. I was busy panicking, and making things even worse by going back to Cum'n Chat more often. In fact, it was my obsession with Cum'n Chat, which aroused Lucy’s curiosity and led to us having a serious talk. That was the first time we openly talked about my coldness. I did not know what to tell her. What I was feeling was embarrassing, uncomfortable to talk about and just wrong. But I had no other choice. She had questions and I had to answer them. So, I shared my thoughts and feelings with her and we decided to get professional help.

We didn’t know what kind of help I needed though. Did I have to see a sex therapist or a psychotherapist? Which type of psychotherapy was the most appropriate method to choose? Could my family doctor help? Did I need medication? We did not think so, because I had no physical dysfunctions. This is why we started searching online to get some idea about where to start. A few days later, I stumbled upon a problem called ROCD, short for relationship OCD. ROCD is a subcategory of a more general condition called primarily obsessional OCD (POCD), which itself is a subcategory of an even more general condition called OCD. POCD is different to traditional OCD in that the underlying fear, and the compulsions that are meant to ameliorate the fear, are cognitive in nature. For example, if a person with a traditional OCD is afraid of illnesses, a person with POCD could be fearful of physically or emotionally hurting their loved ones, or be afraid of falling out of love with their partners, which is the category specifically called ROCD. Compulsions are also different between the two groups. To deal with the anxiety resulting from the dreadful thought of dying, people with traditional OCD engage in repetitive washing and cleaning to fight germs and keep illness at bay. However, people with POCD ruminate about the consequences of their fear being valid. The more they ruminate, the more they panic, and the more they panic, the closer they get to their fear actually materializing. This makes POCD harder to detect, and is the reason why some people believe POCD is harder to treat. Most people are able to realize they are worried about falling out of love with a partner, but not all of them realize they are suffering from a form of OCD, because they do not realize their rumination, or constant worrying, is a compulsive side of their OCD.

When Lucy and I found out about this, we decided that my symptoms were very similar to what is described by ROCD; the doubting, the questioning, the checking, etc. We then started to look for a specialist in the field, which was not an easy task considering it is a new branch of research. But we finally managed, and booked an appointment with a therapist. At the end of our first session with the therapist, she confirmed my condition was ROCD, and that we were in the right place. We were relieved because help was on the way, and scared on the other. But we were also worried because we did not know the foe we were against. The therapist assured us that there were ways to control the situation and gradually get back to our normal life before ROCD. The problem was that we needed a lot of patience. A few sessions into our therapy, we discovered that available treatments focus on rewiring brain connections through behavioral changes. But it turns out this could take years to work. For example, one of my exercises was to refrain from going on Cum'n Chat to check whether I would be aroused by the sight of other people having sex. Another exercise was to actually entertain the idea that Lucy was not the one for me, and sit face to face with the anxiety generated by the thought inside me, without enacting it. This was all good. I was happy to face my demons and go through the resultant discomfort of dealing with my anxiety. But Lucy could not just wait for me to recover, especially since talking about my condition had made things worse for some reason. Before we had talked about it, I would manage to pull through and have a decent sex with her once or twice a week. But since we opened the can of worms, we reluctantly have sex once every two weeks.

So, as I continued doing the prescribed exercises, Lucy and I continued with our search for alternative solutions. This is how we came across Esther Perell, a Belgian scientist who has devoted her life studying romantic relationships. What was striking to us was a specific part of her research, in which she asked old partners under what circumstances they find renewed attraction to their partners. Responses included “when my husband is giving a lecture in a seminar”, “when my wife is doing an interview for her new exhibition”, etc. Most of the examples included an occasion where the “otherness” of the partner was suddenly pronounced. When a couple meet, they start by sharing more and more of their lives together. They start browsing each other’s mental, physical and secret worlds until there is no more to discover. They also often move towards becoming “one” in their lives. They start combining their circle of friends, they share their hobbies, they pick up each other’s passions, or give up theirs to match their partner’s tastes. And when their partner is under the spotlight talking about his or her personal interest, they feel a renewed sense of attraction towards them.

It seems funny, but this is how we ended up on Cum’n Chat. It is very hard to see the similarity between giving a lecture and screwing your partner in public, but there are similarities. In fact the element of magic is exactly the same. When we are on Cum’n Chat streaming, our “oneness” breaks. All of a sudden there are other participants in our intimate moments. Not only that, the comments Lucy receives when she shows her body creates the same impact on me, as the applause of an audience after a lecture. For a moment, I am able to see her through other people’s eyes, which gives me a renewed vision of attributes so close to my eyes that I can't see them. And it has been working, with many caveats.

The solution worked in the sense that we had our sex life back for a while. Especially in the beginning, we were having sex like hamsters again. We were on top of each other day and night. Every time we would go online, I would see her in a different light, shone on her by the viewers. Initially the experience was a constant reminder of everything admirable about Lucy. The same has not been true about me though. Occasionally we get a woman or a bisexual male in our room, but even less occasionally they find me attractive. The majority of our viewers are straight men, who are naturally in our room to see Lucy. In the beginning, it was exciting to both of us when she would receive unstoppable compliments. But after a while, she started growing focused on the compliments to the extent that she began forgetting about me as the person who was making love to her. She would constantly look at the monitor to read the latest message, and would only look at me if a viewer requested that she kiss me. Other than that, she would only interact with the viewers.

The second problem was that she started becoming conditioned to the sound of tips. The sound of tips has been associated with the vibration of her clit and the consequent money that she can spend on stuff she likes. Every day that passes she is becoming more and more responsive to, and even dependent on, the sound and the tips to be horny. It is funny because it functions exactly the same as the bell Pavlov used before feeding his dogs. After many instances of associating the bell with food, the dogs started to salivate to the sound of the bells regardless of whether they were given food or not. And every time we hear the sound of tips, Lucy salivates from below too. The downside is that it is harder and harder to make her salivate unless she hears the sound of the tips. I have been thinking to record the sound and play it to her when I want to have sex on days we are not streaming. But that thought quickly became irrelevant because she invariably logs into Cum’s Chat as soon as we start warming up into it. So, occasions for offline sex is becoming scarce.

I know most of this happened because of me, but I have been feeling stock for some time. I do feel responsible for her sexual unhappiness, and cannot take this away from her, now that she seems happy again. But I haven’t been feeling right about this. I have never shared this with anyone because I do not want to sound like I am justifying my shortcomings, but sometimes I feel like a victim too. When I look around myself, I feel the situation is ripe for many people to fall into the same trap as me. There are now numerous platforms for people to record and share their moments, intimate or not. We are now exposed to scenes that we were never exposed to as a species. In a lifetime, a person would probably see a few hundred people, and at most, would be intimate with just a few. I can now claim modern people have seen tens of millions of people, millions of partly-naked people, and thousands of couples actually having sex thanks to social media and online pornography. I can’t help but think whether this has an impact on my expectations of what to look for in my relationship. I somehow feel I am constantly comparing the images I have on my mind and the reality before my eyes. Somehow I feel the fear of missing out is just a valid fear to have. I know this may also mean I am the one to blame because of being immature. But yet again, many of those who are mature, cheat secretly and fall in the same trap. In fact, many of them cheat only when cheating becomes possible after they achieve some form of success and become able to afford the diversion. But the conditions which make cheating possible are becoming more and more accessible to everyone. Now everyone has access to material for imagination and platforms to materialize those fantasies. Everyone has a plethora of images stored on their minds and everyone is prone to comparing their lives to the images they are exposed to. And I am not only talking about sexual relationships. Many couples now film their compassionate moments to get views and likes just to be able to take away the fog from their feelings by borrowing vantage-point of their viewers. They sometimes go as far as acting the moments out to get the rush resulting from public admirations. The difference between them and us, is that they create non-sexual content; but they do it for the same reason.

These days I am not fond of many things, but am very much pleased that Instagram stops the reels after you have been self-administering the drug for longer than you should. Knowing that fact, and obviously being bored, I have been allowing myself to watch the reels until I am disciplined by Instagram. But before I get there, I am stopped by Lucy jolting in her place, reacting to the sound of a tip and the subsequent vibration in her pussy. She looks at the screen to see who has tipped her and how much. It is one of her devoted fans, and he tipped her 2000 tokens, which is the equivalent of $150, of which $75 goes straight to our account. This amount of tip vibrates her Dilmote for 45 seconds. Having the information she needed, she then lowers her head, puts both hands on her pussy, and tightly squeezes them with her thighs before collapsing on her back again. She now has both feet dangling in the air. After a few seconds and a few sexy moans, she gets back up, sends a kiss to her fan and takes out her tongue, which I think is a gesture that she wants to suck them.

I have to admit that nothing is sexier than watching Lucy being horny. But I also have to admit that nothing is scarier than the thought of having the entire humanity to compete against. I do not remember for the life of me a single occasion when I would walk into our bedroom, see Lucy lying on her back, and give her $75 and 45 seconds of clit licking just because. You may not think so, but the money is also a problem, because it is not a one off payment, and it is not only $75. Some nights she receives $1000, and some weeks she receives a few thousand dollars. I cannot afford to compete against that, no matter what.

These thoughts are putting me down, but the fan and Lucy are just getting started. He tips another 2000 tokens to get Lucy’s juice going, and then requests a private show. As the name suggests, a private show is a show privately performed for an individual who is normally charged on a minutely basis. They request what they desire, and performers grant their wishes as long as their requests are within the limits set out by the performers. I dreaded this today, because I am particularly occupied by our recent problems, and because it is basically Lucy having sex with someone else, whose dick is teleported and placed on mine. It is my dick penetrating her, but it is the tipper who has the command. Sometimes I feel like sabotaging their duet by coming too early, or not doing what they want. I often hesitate because of Lucy though. I can't do it today either. I should have refused to come online if I was not in the mood, but now that we are online, I have to get through with it.

The fan starts by requesting me to lick Lucy, which I very much appreciate. I always enjoy going down on her. So, I dive in and hope I can kill some time this way and leave less time for things I do not enjoy. By to my dread, the fan asks me to fuck her doggy style and spank her as I do it shortly after. What makes me uncomfortable about this is the idea of spanking my wife on someone else's demand. And the thing that I did not see in the beginning, and I cannot stop seeing now, is the idea that people who compliment her are not necessarily in a normal condition. In all likelihood, they are not smartly dressed, sipping their drinks in a civilized manner and complimenting Lucy. The more likely scenario is that they are wearing nothing, and have their cocks in their hands waiting to get a view they like so they can relieve themselves, which is an off-putting image to have in the middle of making love to my wife.

All that said, I am not completely out of luck tonight. After spanking her a few times, and then a few times harder, the fan goes quiet for a few seconds, which is a good sign, at least for tonight. After that he thanks us both for the wonderful performance, and logs out, which means he is done. As if nothing important was happening, Lucy pulls me out of her, and wipes her pussy with her towel and checks the monitor to see what else has been going on while we were away on our private show. Thankfully, there is not much going on. There are now 113 people in the room, which is not a number tempting enough for us to continue. Besides, it is getting late and Lucy seems fulfilled with the attention she received from her fan. So, she sends a communal kiss to the bots and free-runners in the room and says goodbye and logs out.

Lucy then gets up and goes in the shower. I lie on my back and think whether this is an appropriate moment to tell her how I feel. I have been thinking about our streaming for a long time, yet I have not been able to find an alternative to replace it with. I have thought of swinging, I have thought of a break, I have thought of living separately and I have thought of a long trip together. The idea of swinging came to my mind when in the process of continuing research to find a faster solution to my problem, I came across a book called Sex at Dawn. The writers in the book argues that monogamy in its modern form is a social construct borne out of necessities following the agricultural revolution. One consequence of the revolution was the importance of having land to work on, which marked the beginning of private property and land ownership. But this meant that farmers or land owners needed to be present on their lands in order to make the most out of it. This is why they decided to take monogamy as a sexual style because it would mean resources of the man, the woman and their offsprings would all be allocated to cultivating the land. The authors also uses some anatomical evidence such as the size of human testicles and penis and the duration of their sexual intercourse as indicative of their sexual promiscuity, which would not have been the case if we were monogamous and mating once or twice a year.

When I first read the book, I was amazed by it, thinking that I had hit a jackpot. I thought the reason I am disinterested in having sex with Lucy was that I was acting against my instinct, and the waning of my enthusiasm is a rebellion of my natural instinct. But when I thought more about the book, I realized there were some technical inaccuracies in the book, and things may not have been exactly as they are portrayed in the book. Besides, I found personal problems with the idea as far as it concerned me and Lucy. For example, assuming that the book is accurate, the conclusion I was drawing from it was not necessarily accurate. In other words, swinging is not necessarily the right conclusion, even if I accept we are polygamous by nature. We practiced partner-sharing at the time when we lived in communities. Back then, every activity in the community was shared. Child-rearing was every adult’s responsibility, communal safety, prosperity and happiness were things every member in the community strived and fought for. But we no longer live in communities. Even if Lucy and I manage to find a group of swingers and form a little community, we all go our separate ways at the end of our swinging party and share no other aspects of our lives except the sex we had in the party. So, in a sense, this is no different than Cum'n Chat, which is not solving my problem to begin with. Also, I am almost certain swinging is associated with many unwelcome complications. We are humans after all, and it is very likely that a process which starts as fun, turns into an emotional catastrophe if for example, I or Lucy fall in love with someone in the group. I don't think people in love would agree that we are polygamous creatures; they just want their lover to themselves.

In addition to all these complications, I do not think any of the alternatives I have thought about would replace the relative satisfaction Lucy has now, or bring normal back to our lives. The only option I am a little excited about is to live separately, which based on my research, would be a big step in dissolving our oneness and emboldening our individualities that in turn can renew our attraction for each other. But I am not sure whether Lucy would find this option palatable. That said, I know things can't go on like this any more. Sex is not like other activities. When it comes to other activities, it is not easy but certainly possible and normal to do something against your will because it is important to your partner. Sex doesn't work that way. If you do not like doing it, you cannot push yourself to do it. At least not for long. That's how I am anyway. So, the talk is inevitable, unless I make significant improvement in my treatment and miraculously regain my enthusiasm back, which is unlikely based on my progress.

When Lucy comes out of shower, I tell her we need to talk. She doesn't dislike the sound of my announcement like she used to, and remains silent expecting me to start.

Me: "I don't enjoy doing this anymore."
Lucy: "What do you mean?"
Me: "It was very exciting in the beginning, but I no longer find it amusing."
Lucy: "Well, I wonder why I find that familiar."
Me: "Don't be mean."
Lucy: "It is true though."
Me: "It is, but I didn't do any of it intentionally."
Lucy: "I know, but that doesn't change the outcome, does it?"
Me: "No I guess it doesn't."
Lucy: "So, what do you recommend we do?"
Me: "I don't know. I have been thinking of swinging, taking a break, and traveling. I am not positive about swinging, because it is not much different to what we are doing now. I am not fond of taking a break either, because I think that would be postponing the problem. What do you think of traveling? It could add some excitement to our lives. We could travel to a few countries, and stay in one for a while if we like."
Lucy: "Well, that is a good idea, but I don't see how that solves our sexual problems. Besides, you are not the only one who has been thinking. I have been doing some thinking of my own, and have been meaning to talk to you about them.”
Me: "Ok?”
Lucy: "I think it is best if we end this.”
Me: "What?"
Lucy: “Our marriage. With no practical solution before us, I think that is the most sensible thing to do. Besides, I do not want to stop streaming. I have grown quite fond of it."
Me: "It is the attention, isn't it?"
Lucy: "It is also the attention, I am not gonna lie. Never in my life have I been appreciated this much, especially at the time when I was so deprived of it. But it is also the sex. I feel like I can have anyone I want, and I have been testing the waters about that. There are a few people I have been seeing online outside our scheduled streaming and I think I quite like them. I would like to explore my relationship with them a bit further and see where it goes."
Me: "Are you saying you have been cheating on me?"
Lucy: "Don't blow it out of proportion. We just had sex in presence of nearly 200 people. Besides, I have not been seeing anyone in person yet. But I would like to."
Me: "I see. But you don't know anything about them."
Lucy: "Which is why I would like the opportunity to do so. But again, I am not looking for a committed relationship. I would like to have fun for some time, which does not require deep familiarity. I just have to make sure they are not psychos."
Me: "This is horrible. Every cell in my body is pushing me to object, but my ass is guilty, so I can't even be angry."
Lucy: "Why angry?"
Me: "You just told me you have been cheating on me."
Lucy: "I guess that depends on how you define cheating. I don't consider that cheating, because I have not seen anyone yet, and I am telling you before seeing them."
Me: "Well, I am glad you have been thinking about what makes you happy. But I am sure we can continue thinking and come up with an alternative solution."
Lucy: "Well, I think I am done thinking to be honest.”
Me: "What do you mean?"
Lucy: "I mean I have made up my mind. I think it is best for both of us to get a divorce and get on with our lives. I do love you, but not like I used to anymore."