It's not physical, yet I can put my finger on it.
I can show where it hurts.
It's at the center of my stomach, right below my chest.
It's not painful either, it is just hollow.
It feels like my core is evaporating like effervescent vitamins.
But unlike vitamin tablets, my evaporating core doesn't get lighter and lighter until it disappears.
It gets heavier and heavier as it pulls my entire existance towards it.
It devours all my resources, and leaves me crumpled and numb.
How did I sabotage my chance, when I could feel the breath of perfection on my neck?
She showed interest, she was pretty and intelligent.
I was nervous, pedantic, uncharacteristically judgmental, and absent.
I partly blame anti-depressant medications; they made me cold and indifferent.
I have now stopped them, but it took me two years to realize it.
It takes me two years to realize everything, not just matters of the heart.
This is why I find it less productive to focus on future or present.
No matter how hard I try, I always see things only in retrospect.
And this is why instead of a windscreen, I have put a huge mirror in front of me.
So looking ahead, invariably shows me the past.
What is the point of looking ahead when I can't see?
At least I can see things when I look in the mirror.
This is also why I often ask others what they see ahead of me;
then I listen, and imagine, and decide based on how the image feels.
Sometimes they are right, but most often they are wrong.
I guess no one can see for you; not even your family.
Even those who are right about mine, are wrong about their own paths sometimes.
But when that happens, they don't stop.
They don't stop and think about what could be; they keep moving and think about what may be.
We all make mistakes, but the difference between us, them and I, is that they have their mirror behind them.
So, even when they try to look back and see what's passed, they mostly see what's to come.
Their connection with the past is often a bunch of lessons they carry forward with them.
For me, the past is the only world I understand, so I've just settled there.
I do wish though;
I wish I could put my mirror behind, or drive backwards so my rearsightedness would reverse.
But some people are just born without foresight.
And before you say it, I have tried. I have also tried harder.
I can show where it hurts.
It's at the center of my stomach, right below my chest.
It's not painful either, it is just hollow.
It feels like my core is evaporating like effervescent vitamins.
But unlike vitamin tablets, my evaporating core doesn't get lighter and lighter until it disappears.
It gets heavier and heavier as it pulls my entire existance towards it.
It devours all my resources, and leaves me crumpled and numb.
How did I sabotage my chance, when I could feel the breath of perfection on my neck?
She showed interest, she was pretty and intelligent.
I was nervous, pedantic, uncharacteristically judgmental, and absent.
I partly blame anti-depressant medications; they made me cold and indifferent.
I have now stopped them, but it took me two years to realize it.
It takes me two years to realize everything, not just matters of the heart.
This is why I find it less productive to focus on future or present.
No matter how hard I try, I always see things only in retrospect.
And this is why instead of a windscreen, I have put a huge mirror in front of me.
So looking ahead, invariably shows me the past.
What is the point of looking ahead when I can't see?
At least I can see things when I look in the mirror.
This is also why I often ask others what they see ahead of me;
then I listen, and imagine, and decide based on how the image feels.
Sometimes they are right, but most often they are wrong.
I guess no one can see for you; not even your family.
Even those who are right about mine, are wrong about their own paths sometimes.
But when that happens, they don't stop.
They don't stop and think about what could be; they keep moving and think about what may be.
We all make mistakes, but the difference between us, them and I, is that they have their mirror behind them.
So, even when they try to look back and see what's passed, they mostly see what's to come.
Their connection with the past is often a bunch of lessons they carry forward with them.
For me, the past is the only world I understand, so I've just settled there.
I do wish though;
I wish I could put my mirror behind, or drive backwards so my rearsightedness would reverse.
But some people are just born without foresight.
And before you say it, I have tried. I have also tried harder.